Irrational Encounters With The Modern World

Bouncers Say The Stupidest Things.

I started this blog relatively recently, but I have anecdotes and stories going back a  few years. I hope to eventually add everything I remember to this site, because so much of life has amused, bemused, or confused me.

A few years back, I went to an aftershow club night with a friend. We were waiting outside for other friends to join us, and to our chagrin the bouncer started making small talk. The conversation was memorable for being both banal and stupid, and related to my choice of footwear. When this incident came back into my mind yesterday, another friend asked about the infamous “No Trainers” rule that so many bouncers employ – “Do they think we’re going to come in and start playing football??” she asked. Well, it amused me – I would like to see that.

This particular bouncer was checking out my army boots, that I wear as a matter of course for being comfortable and hard-wearing.
“They’re not steelies, are they?” he asked.


“Can I check?”

“How,” I said, “Do you not believe me?”

“I just don’t want to find out that they’re steelies later on, when you’re kicking me in the head.”

I do have a reasonably eloquent way with words, as well as the Glaswegian sensibility to pick people up when they say exceptionally stupid things.
“It’s okay,” I reassured him. “I’m not in the habit of ending my evenings by kicking people in the head.”

He brushed this off, casually remarking “I need to get a new pair of steelies, actually.”

“Why, so you can kick people in the head?”

He just looked at me. We moved away and waited for our friends elsewhere.

Doormen: unlikely to discover the cure for cancer any time soon.




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