Irrational Encounters With The Modern World

Fizzing At The Wrong Name.

Dear “Coco-Colo,”

I am aware of, and largely unimpressed by, your inspired but transparent summertime marketing campaign. I am less interested in what forename is printed on the bottle label, and more in the bottle’s content. I only buy your product as an occasional sugary treat, without the intention of establishing an affinity with your packaging. Whichever name happens to be on it is irrelevant, and I have never wasted time selecting any bottle other than that which is closest or looks coldest. Personalised trash is still trash.

Today, by chance, I unpacked my shopping to discover that I had managed to pick up a bottle with, it looked like, my own name on it. Looked like, because closer inspection revealed that you had misspelt it in the most abhorrent fashion.

Coke label

My name is Jordan. It has been Jordan for very nearly thirty-three years, and in that time I have never – never – met anybody older than me with this forename. I understand there are older Jordans in existence, only I have yet to personally encounter any of them. I could have resolved this, admittedly, but it seems a flimsy reason to attend a concert by the New Kids On The Block. Christ knows I would not be going for the music.

You can imagine, I am sure, that living with this name has had its ups and downs. Fortunately, I was at school when the basketball player Michael was cool, and happily accepted the nickname I acquired from the brand of footwear he promoted. Nearing the end of my state education, Katie Price turned up and ruined the name for every adolescent male Jordan left behind me in the playground.

My name has grown in popularity, transcending gender in the process, and there must now be Jordans who have reproduced and brought new Jordans into the world. So, in light of all this, what possessed you to print a label bearing the abomination “Jordon”?

Jordon is not a name, it is a misspelling; a source of constant irritation to me, as dyslexics and idiots throughout my life have insisted on unjustifiably changing the letters which form my name. Usually, this is a small detail – the substitution of the “A” for a second “O” – and a mistake made by recognised incompetents, such as the department of Glasgow City Council responsible for addressing my Council Tax bills.

council tax card

I could retaliate in kind, as I did in opening this letter, but referring to you as Coco-Colo does not work as well when you consider that you are more commonly known by the shortened moniker, “Coke.” Is there some other way to resolve this issue? The “vegetable extracts” are supposed to enhance the beverage, not type (nor mistype) the list of people to whom you wish to sell your product.

I do not expect you to recall vast quantities of poorly-labelled soft drink, but perhaps you could amend the spelling for the next print run. Having accepted that the council will never manage to spell my name correctly, I refuse to believe that a company of your size cannot manage to correct this error.

Contrary to my stated disinterest, I will now keep a look-out for fizzy juice labelled “Jordan”, in the hope that today’s bottle just came from a bad batch and that somebody in the factory was simply not wearing their glasses that day. I concede that it might be quite a nice thing to possess, and am beginning to understand the appeal. I stand by my initial assertion that this marketing campaign, as much as I despise all advertising and marketing, is inspired. I am usually resistant to such tactics.

I look forward to your response.


birth cert redacted







3 responses

  1. Not for you

    The name Jordon would not be a mis-print as you have suggested. There are numerous ways to spell numerous names and to think that because one differs to yours that would make it incorrect? just shows the level of intelligence you hold. While i’ll admit Jordon is a uncommon variant of the name Jordan, it is still a legitimate variant.

    I will now follow the law of you! and assume that all of the names below are incorrect and are a disgrace to one an other!

    Kate or Cate?
    Alivia or Olivia?
    Zac or Zack or Zach?
    Jamee or Jamie or Jamey?
    Jon or John?
    Claire or Clare or Clair?
    Rebecca or Rebekah?
    Sydney or Sidney?
    Isobel or Isabelle?
    Dylan or Dillon?
    Robin or Robyn?
    Catherine or Katherine?
    Chelsea or Chelsie or Chelsey or Chelsee?
    Ashlee or Ashley or Ashlie or Ashleigh?
    Camden or Camdyn?
    Tristan or Tristin?
    Jesse or Jessie or Jessey?
    Katie or Katee or Katy?
    Peyton or Payton?
    Kara or Cara?
    Paige or Page?
    Jillian or Gillian?
    Gemma or Jemma?
    Amy or Aimee?
    Elizabeth or Elisabeth?
    Lauren or Loren?
    Zachary or Zackary?
    Amelia or Emilia?
    Marc or Mark?
    Megan or Meagan or Mehgan?
    Mae or May?
    Sebastian or Sebastien?
    Rae or Ray?
    Thomas or Tomas?
    Tahlia or Talia or Taliah?
    Shawn or Sean or Shaun?
    Erica or Erika?
    Rhys or Reese or Reece?
    Xander or Zander?
    Skylar or Skyler?
    Sonya or Sonja or Sonia?
    Rauri or Rory?
    Sophia or Sofia?
    Stephanie or Stefanie?
    Caitlin or Katelyn or Caitlyn or Katelin?
    Rylee or Rilee or Riley?
    Mikayla or Michaela or McKayla?
    Lindsay or Lindsey?
    Nicole or Nichole or Nikole?
    Lucas or Lukas?
    Keira or Kira or Kyra?
    Emily or Emilee or Emilie?
    Steven or Stephen?

    I would also like to add, that any word, jumble of letters can be a name, it is something that is given or chosen to or by a person. Hell I could have my name changed to aeromoosehead and it be legit 🙂

    Anyway, thats your blog belittled. bye

    November 25, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    • It’s important, in future, to obtain a sense of humour before reading anything I post.

      Well done on severely missing the point, and I wish I had as much time to waste writing variations on popular name spellings as you evidently do.

      November 27, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    • Rick

      It’s only Elisabeth if you are American and can’t write a zed

      January 1, 2015 at 10:35 am

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